SFOL #72: If your preferred medium is abstract art, performance art, or modern dance—or if you are in an Off Off Broadway production—you are untalented.

SFOL #59: No one “loves to feel the sun’s rays.” You only lie out all day to get tan.

SFOL #6: Secretly, everyone thinks redheads are ugly.

SFOL #110: People who brag about how they didn’t have TV when they were kids are try-hards. In reality, they all hated their parents for it, and are now socially challenged because of it.

SFOL #3: When you were in 2nd grade and Tommy pulled your pigtails during recess, it wasn’t because he had a “crush on you.”

SFOL#126: You and your girlfriends aren’t “analyzing” other people’s personalities/relationships/wardrobes/backfat. It’s called gossiping. “Analyzing” would imply that you were capable of depth.

SFOL#77: No girl likes being on top. They just do it so you’ll think they enjoy sex.

SFOL#69: If you don’t throw like a girl then he will know you are a dyke.

SFOL #46: People aren’t “just jealous” of you. They are mean to you because you are just so fucking annoying.

SFOL#21: In actuality, when “God closes a door,” he often apoxies the window shut, also.

SFOL#14: If by “metrosexual,” you mean “secret homo” then yes, that’s a great way to describe yourself.

SFOL #99: If your mom didn’t make your lunch every day as a kid, she didn’t love you and never will.

SFOL #181: When flipping through a photo album, you are not interested in any pictures that don’t contain you, and when you say, “Oh, this is a cute one,” all you mean is that you look good, even if everyone else has their eyes closed.

SFOL #154: No one likes to volunteer; you only have a “little buddy” to help you get laid (or because you want to molest him).

SFOL #130: It hasn’t been a long time since you read that book. You just can’t remember anything about it because you are lying about having read it in the first place.

SFOL #191: They don’t have a cold; they aren’t shaking your hand or giving you a hug because they can’t bear the thought of touching you.

SFOL #37: You aren’t “picky;” you’re “gay.”

SFOL #33: Consider yourself fat if you are a size 8. That way we’ll all be on the same page.

SFOL #90: “Sorry I haven’t been in touch, my life has been hectic lately” = “I think of you as an obligation I have been trying to put off as long as possible.”

SFOL #201: Quitting your job and traveling around the world is not going to help you “find yourself.” It will only give you a lot of experiences that no one really wants to hear about and a lot of slide shows that no one really cares to view.

SFOL #61: Walking is not “really great exercise,” so don’t believe the hype. Take note of all the thin, hot people running on the treadmills, and all the fat slobs “power walking.”

SFOL #26: No one feels comfortable with a woman doctor or lawyer. If we had our druthers, we’d all want a man, because men don’t screw up all the time.

SFOL #16: You aren’t insecure due to some traumatic experience that happened when you were a child—unless that experience was the realization that you suck and no one likes you.

SFOL #158: Everyone loves the zoo. Even animals love the zoo—they don’t have to do anything but lie around and eat all day. You don’t want to rescue the animals, you just want to suck the fun out of everything.

SFOL #188: If you are from the Midwest you are simple; if you are from southern California you are shallow; and if you are from Utah you are in a cult. End of story.

SFOL #222: No one actually needs to wear ace bandages. Wrapping some cloth around a body part doesn’t do anything, except draw attention to your imaginary affliction…and your desperate need for attention.

SFOL# 17: Even if you are from another country and fluent in that language, you are in America now, and we pronounce it CRUH-sawnt.

SFOL #10: The gap in your teeth and your crooked nose don’t give you character. They make you an ugly person.

SFOL #15: You have never and will never start a trend. Stop claiming that things were your idea.

SFOL #155: Unless you are a rock star or a movie star nobody cares what you do for a living…they only ask as a courtesy. Be brief.

SFOL #64: Nobody is impressed by you doing your karate moves in the park.

SFOL #300: Vegans are secretly just anorexics trying to disguise it under a hippy guise of nutrition and compassion.

SFOL #39: You aren’t a “bad test-taker.” You do poorly on tests because they require you to understand the material—which you don’t.

SFOL #57: Fathers do check out the size of their sons’ penises while changing their diapers, and love little Junior more or less based on the findings.

SFOL #5: Beer goggles don’t exist…you knew what she looked like, but also figured you could get away with it because of all the shots of tequila you’d had.

SFOL#216: Knowing how to boil water is not the same as knowing how to cook, Chef Boyardee.

SFOL#231: People who get all bent out of shape when I tell racist jokes are REALLY annoying.

SFOL#213: The reason you hate to hear your own voice on tape is because you sound stupid and nasal when you talk, not just on the answering machine but in real life too.

SFOL#101: Authentic foreign food is disgusting. That’s why we fixed it here in America. For example: Real Chinese tastes like dirty water and Mexican in Mexico tastes like hot garbage mixed with Tabasco.

SFOL#52: It’s better to have no diamond at all than one under 2 carats.

SFOL#51: Boob jobs make girls hotter. Guys only say they don’t like fake tits to keep open the option of touching your saggy little real ones.

SFOL#205: I had the flu. Stop winking and nudging me about the crazy night I must have had. If I were hung over, I would have come in at 1:00 and had six bottles of Gatorade with me.

SFOL#85: You haven’t “always had this hairline”…it kicked in when you started going bald at 22.

SFOL#44: You are never just “in the mood” for Baked Diet Puffed Air Crisps instead of Doritos.

SFOL#31: You’re not an elementary school teacher because you “love kids,” but rather because you don’t understand anything past the 3rd grade level, and you don’t like manual labor.

SFOL#18: Any guy who prefers veggies in the dining room probably prefers meat in the bedroom. So if by, “I’ll have the wilted baby field greens with miso vinagrette” you mean “I’ll be putting my penis in another man’s ass later tonight,” then by all means, enjoy your salad.

SFOL#34: It’s never actually “their loss.” Getting rejected by that guy or not getting that job are both clearly only YOUR loss, as is everything else.

SFOL#54: No one will actually miss the rainforests. They are wet, disease-infested, insect breeding grounds, so if you’d like to tear them down to raise my hamburgers there, go right ahead.

SFOL#1: Nothing has ever gotten “lost in the mail”

SFOL #30: Anyone over the age of 12 with blonde hair gets it out of a bottle.

SFOL #12: It is incredibly unnatural to be a woman with hairy armpits, and it makes everyone sick.

SFOL #215: You didn’t “blow them away” during the interview. You got the job because you’re a minority.

SFOL #32: If by, “I’d like to establish my career before I start a family” you mean, “I want my children to one day resent and hate me, and I am probably a lesbian,” then, yes, congrats on your big promotion.

SFOL #13: If someone tells you that you look Jewish, be insulted. That only means one thing, and everyone nose what that is.

SFOL #206: FYI, Office Lingo is for Office Losers

FYI

SFOL #71: When you deny that it was you who farted six times in row, and then the seventh time say, “Ok, now that one was me,” you’re not proving your honesty as much as confirming your guilt.

SFOL #24: You do not “work in the music industry.” You are an intern that no one ever talks to.

SFOL #9: It’s not that your email “must have gone to their junkmail folder.” They got it, read it, and chose not to correspond with you.

SFOL#10: You’re not “alternative” by choice; you were rejected by the mainstream.

SFOL#6. You’re not “saving yourself.” You just haven’t found anyone drunk enough to fuck you.

SFOL#5 “Good hustle” is not really a compliment to your on-field determination. It’s more of a suggestion that you start learning how to program a computer as fast as humanly possible.

SFOL #166: The camera does NOT add 10 pounds; that’s what you look like.

SFOL# 221: It’s only cute to eat junk food as a girl if you are skinny and hot.

SFOL #27: Consider yourself a loser if you find yourself in a “Jamaican Me Crazy” shirt with your hair in cornrows after spring break.

SFOL# 245: Everyone pees in the shower EVERY SINGLE TIME they take one…and the same thing goes for the bath.

SFOL #2: Pizza Hut pizza is better than anything you can get in Italy.

SFOL# 25: Adopted children are not as well-loved, but I guess that’s obvious.

SFOL #224: No girl chooses to have a small wedding any more than she chooses to have a father who is a failure.

SFOL #8: Guys who like to read are bad athletes.

SFOL #136: “You look healthy” = “Have you gained weight?”

SFOL #104: Doctor/patient confidentiality is a myth. Your podiatrist complains to his kids about your stinky, corn-covered feet, and your gynecologist describes your genital warts to anyone who cares to listen.

SFOL# 142: Smoking does not actually kill you. There are plenty of old people in Europe.

SFOL #91: You are not “an introvert.” You have nothing to say because you aren’t smart or interesting.

SFOL #185: Raw fish is gross. This is why civilized cultures cook it. You eat sushi for the crunchy tempura flakes and chunks of mayonnaise-covered avocados. So stop talking about how much you “love octopus.”

SFOL# 194: Anyone weighing more than 105 pounds should go ahead and get off my TV screen.

SFOL# 143: Practice does not make perfect. You couldn’t hit the T-ball, you sucked at wiffleball at your eighth birthday party, you sat the bench in little league, you were on the J.V. team your senior year, your “club” team lost every game in college, and my secretary just struck you out (again) at the company picnic. PLEASE stop practicing baseball!

SFOL #182: “Beauty mark” is just a euphemism for dirty, hairy mole.

SFOL #238: If by the age of 25 you have never had a serious relationship, then it’s time to get a cat. In fact–get 3 cats.

SFOL #248: All girls with cats are bitter and crazy, and all straight men with cats are secretly gay.

SFOL# 118. Memorizing lyrics is not a skill or talent…everyone can do it. Stop rapping.

SFOL #88: Nobody actually cares when bad things happen to other people; we all just want to be the first one to spread the news about the earthquake, plane crash, 10-car pileup, so and so’s abortion, or any other misfortune that doesn’t directly affect our lives.

SFOL #84: You are not an “analytical person.” We all have thoughts; most of us just choose not to share ALL of them.

SFOL #110: Any time you are not chewing gum, your breath stinks, and people just aren’t telling you about it.

SFOL #202: Of course he will think you are a slut if you sleep with him. And he’ll be right.

SFOL #255: You aren’t cool unless you did drugs in high school… lots of them.

SFOL #29: No one cares what anyone else has to say about anything. We’re all just waiting for our turn to talk.

SFOL #206: All girls have coarse black hairs growing from their nipples.

SFOL #231: Girls do not think that guys who cry are cute and sensitive; they think those guys are huge pussies.

SFOL#58: If by “completing the New York Times crossword puzzle,” you mean, “I guessed on about half the clues and then filled in the rest with names of friends and pets,” then yes, you are a vocabulary master.

SFOL#100: No matter what you do to it, there’s no way your vagina can ever be “fresh.” since every vagina is constantly oozing out a stream of weird-smelling, sticky discharge.

SFOL#105: Lots of online buddies = no real-life friends.

SFOL#80: You’re not “probably just being paranoid.” Everyone really IS talking about you the minute you leave the room.

SFOL#65: We all know that the faucet didn’t “explode all over” you in the bathroom. You clearly peed on yourself, and then desperately splashed sink water on your pants in a transparent attempt to camouflage the dribble.

SFOL#199: Parents do not love all their children the same. They all have a favorite (probably the best looking one).

SFOL#212. Cheaters always prosper. When you cheat, the “only person you are cheating” is actually all of the people you are cheating. No one would care if you were only cheating yourself.

SFOL#203. Guys don’t harass women because “all men are pigs.” If you’d stop dressing like a slut, they’d stop squeezing your ass when you walk by.

SFOL#268: Fireworks have no place in modern society. When can we stop pretending to enjoy them and go back to texting everyone we know to find out where we’re going when this predictably disappointing ‘grand finale’ is over?

SFOL#92. Everyone is secretly devastated when they find out that their blind date is a minority…Even other minorities.

SFOL#67: All warnings on medicine bottles are bullshit. You can always take more than 6 of anything in 24 hours, and you can drink alcohol with EVERYTHING.

SFOL#23: No one is “intimidated” by your beauty or height. Tall attractive people get hit on all the time, and by far better looking people than the one not talking to you.

SFOL#15: All female gynecologists are lesbians, and there is no reason you should feel more comfortable going to one. They like fondling and heavy petting as much as the next guy.

SFOL #133: You actually ARE the reason for your parents’ divorce. They were just fine before you came along.

SFOL #26: Not everyone has a “special gift.” Some people are just bad at everything.

SFOL #243: The wine does not have “hints of cedar and tobacco,” and if it did, nobody would want to drink it.

SFOL #161: Any guy who claims he is 5’10” is really 5’7”.

SFOL #207: The answer to final Jeopardy was NOT on the tip of your tongue.

SFOL #131: That Nalgene bottle hanging to your giant backpack by a caribeaner isn’t impressing anyone. Notice that you’re on your way to work in an office, not hiking the Appalachian Trail.

SFOL #143: You’ve never made anybody a mix tape that they’ve actually enjoyed or listened to more than once.

SFOL#6: NOBODY cares about the ‘crazy dream’ you had last night… It happened in your head, keep it there.

SFOL#270: And same thing goes for your dandruff, which makes you a repulsive human. If Head & Shoulders isn’t cutting it, go see a dermatologist or stop leaving the house.

SFOL# 269: Nobody sees past your acne. It’s disgusting.

SFOL#155: No parents “understand” when their child is gay. They all secretly wonder where they went wrong the minute you come out of the closet.

SFOL#96: The person who says ‘I love you’ first is the loser in the relationship, and will be dumped or cheated on soon, just as they should be.

SFOL#59: You don’t have “big bones” you have big fat cells.

SFOL#12: Anyone who says “there weren’t really cliques in my school, we all sort of did our own thing” spent a lot of time in the corner of the cafeteria in a cloak casting spells and rolling dice.

SFOL #58: Women who keep their last names probably shouldn’t get married in the first place as they are obviously lesbians.

SFOL #199: You’re GPA wasn’t a 3.5, it was a 3.32…that’s not how rounding works.

SFOL #233: No one is ever “getting back together with an ex.” This phrase exists solely as a way to spare your feelings when you are being dumped because you have put on weight and have bad breath.

SFOL #71: Your baby is not smart or special. All three-year-olds can flush the toilet.

SFOL #90: There is no such thing as a movie star that was in the drama club in high school. They were all far too popular and attractive for that. Good luck with your life of community theater.

SFOL #76: You weren’t hung over when you took the SATs. Give it up!

SFOL #307: Unless you were molested/raped/born in the 18th century, your poetry sucks. Stop writing it.

SFOL #28: Normal people don’t get AIDS. Don’t believe the hype.

SFOL #10: Besides, girls don’t even have orgasms, so stop trying to trick me into munching your nasty carpet for hours. Now unhinge your jaw.

SFOL #9: No guys like going down on girls; they only suffer through it in hopes of getting a blow job.

SFOL #458: Colored contacts don’t fool anyone. First of all, purple doesn’t exist as an eye color, and second of all–you’re black.

SFOL #75: No one has ever seen a blind person on an elevator, nor does a single blind person work in anyone’s office. Can we please stop attaching braille to every last sign and button in the universe?

SFOL #42: You actually can always judge a book by its cover. If the inside of the book were hot and cool, it wouldn’t have such a fat, ugly cover.

SFOL #41: That’s not a bug bite, it’s a zit.

SFOL #14: No one wants to hear about your bout with childhood leukemia or the time your sister was killed by a drunk driver. We’re all happy talking about reality T.V. stars, and frankly, you’re a real buzz kill.

SFOL #193: People over 12 and under 60 who claim to have asthma are just using it as an excuse not to do any physical activity

SFOL #61: The person who says, “The ball’s in your court” is about to be dumped.

SFOL #242: Thank you cards are a waste of time. They will give you a present next year whether you send one or not.

SFOL #241: You are not “more of an English person.” You are bad at math because you are “more of a stupid person.”

SFOL #111: He did notice your pit stains.

SFOL #117: Redbull doesn’t actually get you more drunk; it just makes it okay for you to be sucking on that girlie drink.

SFOL #100: And you’re not fooling anyone when you leave the bathroom complaining about the toilet that was “already clogged” when you went in there.

SFOL #53 No one washes their hands after going to the bathroom unless there is someone there to see it

SFOL #57: If you are going down on a girl and she says, “I just want you inside me” it means you’re not doing a good job.

SFOL #170: If you can never seem to find the right guy it’s because you’re the wrong girl… by everyone’s standards.

SFOL #261: Runner’s High doesn’t exist. Jogging is painful from beginning to end and the only “high” comes when you run off enough weight to stop menstruating.

SFOL #189: Your therapist actually IS judging you. And he thinks you’re creepy and pathetic.

SFOL #48: You didn’t mess up because “the machine was different” at your old job. Burger King doesn’t even have a fax machine

SFOL #272: And sex is not better if you are uncircumcised. You’re just saying that to distract from the smell.

SFOl #271: Uncircumcised penises are unnatural, and they freak everyone out.

SFOL #34: Your drink wasn’t roofied, you slut.

SFOL #282: It’s not warm in the car; you’re rolling down the window because you farted.

SFOL #44: If black people could afford skis they’d be the best at that too.

SFOL #20: There are many clouds without silver linings. I don’t see any silver lining around that area where your leg should be.

SFOL #57: You are not “scared you might be pregnant”; you just want your friends to know you got laid.

SFOL #104: There is nothing “beautiful” about childbirth. Watching a slimy fetus slither out of your bloody vagina grosses everyone out. PLEASE don’t record it.

SFOL #5: If people wonder if you’re gay, it’s because you are.

SFOL #16: If you are still an “aspiring” anything after one year of trying, give it up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

SFOL #38: There is no such thing as a “deviated septum,” but there is such a thing as a huge nose. Where’d yours go?

 

 

SFOL #14: Nobody actually cares that much when their grandparents die, and it’s not a good reason not to come to my party.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SFOL #33: Everyone actually does notice your lazy eye, and we are all uncomfortable around you because of it.